A Little Piece of Me

Fat thighs. Fat thighs. I have fat thighs. They were not touching for sometime and now they are close to touching and some days they do touch and it makes me want to cry. The pair of pant I wore yesterday to work felt tight around my thighs, something they haven't felt before. Cut back cut back cut back. Did pretty good today food wise. bagel:110, 2 yogurts: 90, baked potato w/salsa:150= 350 Misc:300 so total 650ish. Plus I went to pilates and did the cross trainer beforehand. gah
On another note, last night was the first night in I don't even really know how long that I didn't drink/get tipsy/drunk. I think before that I had started drinking sometime Sunday evening and didn't entirely stop until Tuesday night...when I fell asleep. I was texting my friend who lives in Atlanta and we both were so horribly depressed and just kept texting eachother until we both fell asleep. It was wonderful. Not wonderful when I woke up sweaty and shaking Wednesday morning, but I didn't even really care. And last night we were texting while I was at work and he asked me not to drink when I got home from work. He told me he would stay up all night with me if he had to. I wanted to cry. I did't drink. It was the first night in a while that I slept beneath the covers and turned the tv off. I still woke up shaky, some sort of withdrawal I'm sure, but I am really happy he stayed with me until I made it over the hump and went to sleep.
Thank you Ben. And thank you so much Derek.

...they knew who I really was. I just had a nice long talk with my parents about my eating, them telling me I need to eat more, me crying. And about how I need to take into account how my actions are affecting the family, and affecting them, how hard it makes it for them. That only guilts me even more geez...
guilts me more since this last weekend was the worst weekend I have had (rebelliousness wise)
They were telling me how they are happy that I am trying, we are very religious, and such, and don't believe in smoking, drugs, sex before marriage, drinking to excess...all that stuff...but this past weekend, I did my first line of coke, provided to me from a complete stranger I made out with, who i also smoked my first cig with. I lied to them pretty much all weekend about what I did and where I went.
So tonight as they told me how they loved me soooo much and just wanted to help me and were worried about my health because I didn't eat enough but were proud of me for trying so hard, all i could think about was...god you would hate me if you knew who I really was.

I haven't posted in soooo long. Months and months. Not sure why. I should start though again because I am just having such a hard time. I have been at the same goddamn weight for like 8 months now or something, average according to fucking "professionals"...but fat for me.
I work out all the fucking time and see no fucking difference and of course I always eat when I get home from work. Fuck.
And recently I have started the nice habit of snorting painkillers. But now I don't have anymore. I drink every day and Friday I did my first line of coke and smoked my first cig. And tonight I snuck out of my house and went around the corner to get some cigs because it was all I could think about. And now I keep smelling it and I am terrified my parents are going to smell it on me. oh what to do....I kindof just want to disappear and not tell my parents and just go away somewhere like Thailand or something...

I was wearing pants that when I bought them they seemed to fit ok...not too big but not too small, probably just ever so slightly big. And I was wearing a shirt that when i bought it a couple years ago, when I was heavier, it fit perfectly fine. So last night I'm noticing that the pants, this being the first time I have worn them since buying them, are in fact actually really big around my waist. And the shirt hangs on me now. And all the while I keep looking at my wrists, something I do about a gazillion times a day. So whenever I go in a bathroom if no one is in there i lift my shirt and look at my waist from the side and see how it looks.
And sometimes I'm absolutely horrified. And sometimes, like last night, with the pants and shirt just kind of hanging there, I think, you know your not as fat as your ed voice is telling you you are. But no matter what, even if those clothes feel big and loose, the scale still says the same thing and there I am still fat.
Anyone else experience this? I'm sure you all do. Let's discuss...

I haven't posted in a while. I feel so stuck. I keep jumping between 117 and 120. My goal for now is 110 and I should have been able to get to at least 115 by the end of December but now I don't even know if I can do that. My new medication makes me tired and sometimes i don't even feel like going to the gym so instead of making myself go, I do the unthinkable and I just don't go! And I have been eating more. I I actually got down to 117 after months of being stuck at 120 but then over the weekend I went and visited family in California and ate until I made myself sick. Now I think I'm at 118 So I'm trying to be real careful so i can just cleanse my body of all the junk I put into it. Gah why do I always mess everthing up?!?!

I bought the new Cat Power C.D.

I had now idea what kind of effect it would have on me.

I cut to Cat.

I love to cut to Cat.

I cut a lot to Cat.

Almost every day now.

My stomach.

My arms.

My hips.

I cut to Cat and I love it.

Because I won't be working as much and i see the gym on practically every day as part of my future starting today...oh joy of joys. I have been stuck at 120 for, oh i dunno...4, 5 months now, I lost track. But I think this is it. Nothing will get in the way now because I will have more time this coming month to get down to business.

But turns out someone is. Someone thinks of me. People think of me. I don't expect much from others. I don't expect them to remember things i tell them. I don't expect them to remember things I like or don't like, or to remember my schedule or anything particular about me. I am nothing special so why should they?
But after receiving Derek's email this morning I realize at least one person in the world who thinks of me sometimes. I often wonder about that. Is there anyone besides my family who thinks of me throughout the day? And now I know...

I resisted the cookies at work. I am so proud of me

Last night was supposed to be filled with fun...My parents are out of town and I wanted so badly to go to a club and not have a curfew. well ended up watching a movie at a guys house with my chica friend and some other guy. well my friend has a boyfriend who came into town to surprise her...she had lied to him where she was. So we left and she called him and they got in this huge fight over the phone in my car. I didn't know what to say. I hate liars!! All they ever do is lie to each other. Drives me crazy. And the stress of it all caused me to stop and get shake...which was delicious.

Im EFFING SICK OF TEA!!!!!!

I had a dream I went back to residential. I was crying and embarrassed and so mad. It was a horrible dream....

Kissing is so much fun. But I think I am becoming addicted to it. And my parents would not be proud. In fact they would probably either A. kick me out or B. take away my keys or something equally horrible like that, like I wouldn't be able to go out anymore. I guess I could be doing worse things right? I'm going to get myself mono or something I swear.
I'm fat today. I weigh the same. I thought I had lost a couple pounds last week. But yesterday at the gym I weighed the same. I hate myself. Detest despise abhor loathe myself.

And what do i offer to do? TAKE THEM OUT TO DINNER!!!!!
DUMB DUMB DUMB. no way out of it. must go to gym twice I think today. im terrified. my mom is already starting to get worried again and try to make me eat again.
oh yeah and i hate myself

My mom told me the other day I am looking thin. then she says she doesn't mind if I'm thin but she doesn't want me getting too thin. And the other day my dad finally said something about me going to the gym. I always go in the afternoons usually. And he says the other day to not stay too long and how he thinks i stay too long.
Well I think he drinks too much so he can just kiss my ass.

wait Im going to try again... ( read me )

this is a cut test... ( test )

Yes It's been a while...I have been so down in the dark dank never ending dumps....can't get myself out. Not sure what's wrong. Haven't posted in a while. Can't lose weight. Haven't gained. Haven't binged so that's good....*sigh*

Geez i fail at everything I swear. i can't even fast for a day. ONE day and i can't do it! wtf! I'll go the whole day and then blow it at night. I know I'm not the only one to do this. It's so frustrating.

 I love vacations. really I do. but Shit!! it ruins my diets and exercise. i eat and drink drink drink. So while I'm not really happy to be back home, because pretty much I HATE living at home with my parents and I dont' like my dad right now, I am at least glad I can get back to working out and eating little to none. geez....Finally